DivingBoard

 It's been a hot minute since I've been on this soapbox, so please forgive me for my neglectful ways.

The winter months of 20-10 were crazy busy with lots of small professional breakthroughs: finishing the first chapter of my dissertation, helping organize a successful conference, getting some productive and positive (okay, some criticisms too) feedback from advisers, and presenting parts of my chapter to living, breathing audiences, a highlight for me this season.  After months of writing and living with these ideas, turning them over and over again in my head, looking for the holes in the arguments, then patching them up and reinforcing them and dreaming about its contours as if it were the face of some unrequited love from a distant past or a yet-to-be fulfilled future---to present all that work for the first time, to expose that process to an audience, was like revealing the contents of my messy closet to the world.  For a Type A like me, it was unnerving to say the least.  But the great thing about facing this fear is realizing that the closet wasn't the messy disaster that I imagined it to be, that while there were some clothes hanging precariously on their hangers, for the most part it was neat, clean and hell, it even smelled great, like newly washed laundry!  This is all to say that presenting my chapter to the world at large felt great, and this experience was like a reward at the heels of months of writing in a vacuum and going, at times, quite literally, crazy.  (This reminds me: must clean actual closet.) 

It's springtime in L.A.la land once again and the air feels rife with glorious possibilities.  To think of where I was when the cherry blossoms started to bloom all over the city last year makes this season taste all the more sweeter.  Sure there will be some heartache and disappointment; already I've been rejected by some fellowships and there are things about next year which terrify me, trying to file and dipping my toes into the job market being the top two.  But for all the scary uncertainties in the world of academia which can often reduce one to tears, I still militantly believe in the work that I do, in the classroom and with my diss, and recognize that to swim against the tide is a struggle, yes, but one which I know bears the only kind of fruit worth having.  And as this struggle marks each of my days, I have come to realize that there is beauty in the things that make life tough, that I am what I am because there has never been a silver spoon anywhere near my mouth and that the only privilege that I know is the kind which allows me to wake up in the morning and begin anew the beautiful struggle which makes life livable and indeed quite sweet.

This spring is special too because I continue to feel some pretty amazing love and support from the special people in my life. I mean alright, you're suppose to feel love from your friends and family, but as I get older, I have come cherish my family's support even more and value my friends who have become my family in this schizophrenic town.  I have said it before and will say it again, my friends---my ride or die sisters especially---have been nothing short of amazing.  So I guess I spoke too soon about knowing only one kind of privilege.  I am in fact doubly privileged to have such lovely people in my life to share laughs with and drinks with and dance with and sing with, and best of all, to stand with when the daily struggles of life engage on all fronts.

I began blogging almost a year ago to chronicle the joys and pains of writing a dissertation and dating in L.A.la land.  During this time there have been plenty of moments when I wanted to cry or cried laughing at some of the dysfunction of dissertation and dating.  But there have been some pretty magical moments and right now, I am pretty much covered in pixie dust, there's so much freakin' magic!  It's scary because I have gotten quite good at being on guard and managing to stay composed whenever I get stuck and can't write for weeks or come home from a particularly bad date.  But if there's anything I'm good at, it's plunging head first into unknown waters and so no matter what the future holds, I am right now quite happy and ready to tackle yet another chapter and bask in the magical moments this spring will undoubtedly bring.